Saturday, December 16, 2006

Dealing with female homosapiens - Ten guidelines

Is it fair for guys to just walk by without even looking at the pretty little girl on the street or wherever, and thereby portray indifference - ignore the existence of someone with a higher BMQ (beauty and make-up quotient)? A similiar question albeit in a different vein. Is it fair to not read the mind of your client/boss and deliver exactly what he/she needs?

The answer to both questions - A resounding NO

Here are 10 guidelines to deal with the female homosapiens (BMQ level is irrelevant) .

1) If she is spotted at a public place, acknowledge her presence by looking at her for the exact amount of time thats appropriate without ignoring or staring (between 2775.06 to 6225.94 milliseconds).

2) If she makes conversation with you, you must feign interest in what she is saying. Agree with all she says, even if she believes the alien in Koi Mil Gaya is hotter than Preity Zinta. If she hates cricket, you better hate it too.

3) When she talks, listen. Because there is a possibility and a very strong one, that she might ask you a question related to the topic. Remember the chastising you got from teachers in school when they posed you questions in the middle of lectures you would sleep through and your subsequent fumbling for answers. The consequences of loss of interest in this case can be far worse.

4) If she decides to subject you to one of her monotonous monologues on topics close to her heart but far from yours, make sure you interject with sounds that convey your approval. Something like "ya" and "oh" and "oh yeah". Just make sure its does not sound like you are constipated or you are at some dirty thing that cannot be mentioned here.

5) If she asks you for your opinion about her blog, tell her she writes great. Her language and her mastery on topics of international significance are admirable. If she puts pictures of herself on her blog, tell her she looks wow in them.

6) If she asks you to write her a testimonial on Orkut, tell her you would love to but you cant because your 'write testimonial' option was deleted by Orkut administrators when you wrote a testimonial for a friend in which you implied Orkut Büyükkökten was mentally retarded.

7) If she is walking, just make sure you clear everything out of her way, to properly conform to the International Institute of Chivalry Standards. That includes opening doors, windows or whatever. Also, make sure you let her walk ahead of you and still hop in the way regularly to clear the path for her whenever she encounters an obstacle whether its a table or a pebble.

8) If she is out at a meal, you must pay. I insist that you must pay. The reason men work is because they can then have the privilege of picking up the tab. So i repeat again, you must pay.

9) If she calls you in the middle of the night, and asks you if you were sleeping, say NO. Tell her you were preparing breakfast or watching Star Plus. Your choice. Chances are good that she will be okay with both.

10) If she asks you to go shopping with her, tell her you would love to come with her to carry the bags and pay for things when she runs out of cash and all, but you cannot because you are having severe constipation problems. Chances are bright she will look for someone else to help her with the bags.

Guys, if you do not adhere to the guidelines, remember this. She has plenty of guy friends to choose from. Indian dating sites have 776 guys for every girl. Whoever said the sex ratio was 976 females per 1000 males was a dreamer. Besides, she has a blog where she discusses the latest parties she went to with regular pictures of her and she has an Orkut account with 6 testimonials that vouch for her hotness and smartness and the complete package she resembles.

As Bill Gates said, "Life is not fair, get on with it." Bill learnt it the hard way perhaps.


By the way, guys, take this with a pinch of salt.
And girls, uh-oh, ahemmm... burrrpp... take this with a bucket of salt.


Hirak said...

I like #10! :)

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